Lena and Stef Fan Fiction: Fear
by TZM001
Summary: This story was inspired by Loza333 "Living with a cop" Chapter 1 – Roberts. The first time Lena has to deal and confront her fears about the dangers Stef faces as a police officer. This is my first fan fiction


_This story was inspired by Loza333 "Living with a cop" Chapter 1 – Roberts. The first time Lena has to deal and confront her fears about the dangers Stef faces as a police officer. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own the character Stef and Lena; all rights belong to ABC Families the Fosters _

_This is my first fan fiction, looking forward to hearing what you think . _

**Fear:**

Dressed in black Lena stood at the mirror of their bathroom and applied the final touches to her make-up. She looked over at her partner, who was wearing a stony face, the epitome of strength. Lena loved Stefs courage and strength, it's one of the many reasons she fell in love with the beautiful blond cop, but there were times she wished that Stef didn't feel she had to be so strong and hold it together all the time.

"I know today is going to be tough, whatever you need just let me know" Lena said with a gentle voice

"I'm fine love" Stef said as she steadied herself before walking past Lena into their bedroom.

They had been together for less than a year and this was the first time that Lena had ever seen Stef this way, quite, reserved, and weighed down by heavy thoughts. She desperately wanted to comfort her partner; she wanted to know what was going on in that beautiful head, but she also knew that Stef needed time to process her thoughts, time to make sense of what had happened. So she would let her love be, and hoped that she would eventually open up.

There was a heavy silence as they sat in the car, the drive solemn, quietly contemplating the day to come. Stef parked the car and both women got out, as they made their way to the church Lena reached for Stefs' hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Gently reassuring her that she was there for her.

As they entered the church they were greeted by a sea of blue uniforms, row after row was filled with Police officers all dressed in their finest blue regalia. Lena and Stef took a seat in the 3rd row from the front. As they sat, their eyes were drawn to a giant size picture of officer Roberts, Stefs' fallen colleague. In the front row sat Mrs Roberts, to her right her son Chris, at 9 he was only 3 years older than Brandon, next to him sat Roberts partner Rodriguez. To Mrs Roberts left sat the Police Captain who was flanked by the Police Commissioner and other senior Police officials. From the picture Roberts looked not much older than Stef, in his late 20's early 30's, he was a good looking man, golden brown hair, green eyes and a gentle smile. As the service proceeded stories where told of what a devoted loving husband and father Roberts was, a family man. He had married his high school sweetheart and they had a son who was his pride and joy in life. His commitment to the force and his work lamented by the way he had passed, protecting and serving his community. What struck Lena the most was how his colleagues reminisced over his light warmhearted nature, with the captain commenting that that between Officer Roberts and Officer Stef Foster there was always a joke to be shared. In that moment Lena turned and caught the lone tear run down Stefs' cheek before she quickly wiped it away. Stef and Roberts had not been partners, but they had gone through the academy together and worked their way through the Police force, and they were friends.

For the first time since Stef had come home on that fateful night and told Lena that Roberts had been shot and killed she had not allowed herself to imagine or even contemplate the possibility that Stef could have easily taken a bullet on that horrible night, but as she stood behind Mrs Roberts and watched as she clutched her sons hand as they slowly lowered her husband's casket into the ground, tears streaming down her face, a cold fear washed down Lenas' spine and shivers crawled through her bones and a cold and very hard reality hit her like wave in the Atlantic Oceans...Stef is a cop. Her chest tightened and her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach, she felt a heartbreaking sadness and empathy for Mrs Roberts and her son, she did not want to even imagine the heartache and pain they must be feeling in this moment. The thought that Lena had successfully managed to keep at the back of her mind for so long pushed its way to the fore and she felt a fear she had never felt in her life. A fear that threatened the very happiness she had found and experienced in the last year.

The Roberts home was filled with photo's of a young family filled with love, hope and excitement for life. Lena could not help but admire that despite the sadness of the day, there was a sense of warmth and camaraderie in the air as she watched Stef and her colleagues share fond memories of their friend. Lena stood for a moment and watched her partner from the other side of the room, this woman had entered her life and took everything she was and made it her own and without even realising Lena had gone from single to madly in love with a blond cop. A smile broke on Lenas' face as Stef caught her staring and shot her a smile and a wink from the other side of the room. Lena was startled when she heard a voice from behind her.

"Hi, you're Stefs partner right?" said a tall Latina woman

Lena turned sharply to look at the woman "Yes I am"

"I'm Selina Rodriguez, Martin Rodriguez's wife...Roberts's partner"

"Yes Hi, Lena Adams" Lena said with a gentle smile and extended her hand to shake the other woman's.

"It's a terrible tragedy what happened to Roberts, were he and Stef close?"

"Yes, they went through the academy together" Lena responded

"How is she holding up?"

"She's being strong" Lena said as she passed a glance to her partner.

"They always are" words spoken by a woman who clearly had an insight into how cops dealt with their emotions

"And how are you doing?" The woman said with a slightly gentler tone to her voice

"Me?" the question caught Lena by surprise

Selina gave Lena a gentle smile "Police funerals are never easy for anyone, the police community is very close so it feels like losing a family member, is this your first one?"

Lena responded with a gentle but firm "yes"

"They can be especially hard on new partners in a relationship" both woman looking at each other intently. Lena was unsure of how to react was the fear she was feeling written all over her face, she thought to herself.

Selina Rodriguez had been married to her husband for 8 years and understood very well what it took to be the wife of a police officer. "It's not easy loving cop, and police funerals can put that into harsh perspective."

Lena smiled unsure how to respond without giving into her emotions.

"Not everyone understands what wives go through, which can make it even harder and goodness knows despite their best intentions our other halves find it even harder to manage their emotions let alone acknowledge how we feel about it all." The woman placed a gentle hand on Lena's shoulder

" If you ever feel you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to call, the only way we can stay in love with a cop is to support each other through it" she gave Lena a smile and a gentle nod

Lena turned to look at Stef, then back at the woman in front of her and let out a soft deep breath. "Thank you, you are very kind"

"Why don't we fill up your glass, you seem to be running low" the woman said as she placed her hand on Lena's back and slowly ushered her towards the dining area where they were serving food and drinks.

It had been a long day by the time Stef and Lena had returned home, had dinner and tucked Brandon into bed. Both woman felt the weight of the day on their shoulders as they went through their nightly routine and prepared for bed.

"It was a beautiful service" Lena said as she made her way into bed next to where her partner was already laying.

Stef took a deep breath in and let it out gently "Yes it was"

They lay side by side, Lena looked over at Stef.

"Did I see you talking to Selina Rodriguez earlier?" Stef sensing that Lena wanted to talk even though all she wanted do was tuck herself under the covers and close her eyes to put an end to an emotionally exhausting day.

"Yes, she a lovely woman" Lena responded

"What did you discuss?" Stef probed

"Nothing specific, she just introduced herself and offered to have a coffee and chat sometime"

"That was nice of her" Stef smiled, "Glad to see you making friends"

"Hmmm" was all Lena could muster

As silence fell on the room, Stef could see the frown lines on Lena face.

"I wish you would talk to me, and let me know what was going on in your head" Lena said in a whisper, cautious not to push Stef to hard but also hoping that it would be enough to open Stef up.

"I'm tired love, I know that's not what you want to hear but that's all I can offer you right now"

Stef wasn't used to talking through her emotions, a trait she got from her father, and she knew that Lena on the other hand worked through things by talking and needed that to make sense of the world. Lena desperately needed to talk, connect with Stef, find and give support to each other.

Stef leaned over and gave Lena a few quick kisses on her forehead before she crawled under the covers and closed her eyes. "Night my love"

"Night babe" Lena responded

Lena struggled to sleep that night, the day's events weighing heavy on her heart. The site of the casket being lowered into the ground and the heartache and sorrow on the faces of Mrs Roberts and her son, swirling around in her brain.

The following day was like every other for both Stef and Lena, they went through their morning routine, getting Brandon up and ready for school, having breakfast before heading off to begin their day. Stef was mindful this morning to kiss and say I love you to the two people who meant the world to her.

As Lena sat at her desk staring at an e-mail that she had been trying to read for over 10 minutes, her mind wandered, she thought back to watching Stef walk out the door that morning. She had watched Stef leave for work on many occasions in the year they had been a couple and there had never been anything out of the ordinary about this. However this morning felt different, as Lena watched Stef leave for work she felt the same cold fear wash through her bones again. Lena detested violence and hated guns even more, so the thought of Stef being faced with that danger everyday scared her. It scared her to know that she could easily be Mrs Roberts, sitting there watching them lower Stefs casket holding onto Brandon and contemplating how to live, be happy without the woman she loved most in this world.

When Lena had found out that Stef was a police officer shortly after they had met, she did not think much about it beyond wandering what Stef looked like in uniform. At that stage there was no need for concern, despite her obvious attraction to the beautiful blond cop, Stef was a married woman and the thought of them ever being anything more than friends didn't exist. But life had other plans and without even realising it Lena had fallen in love with this woman, she had fallen in love with her beautiful smile, terrible jokes and zest for life. By then it was too late, there was nothing she could do but accept the inevitability of being in love with a police officer. Lena knew that being a cop was Stefs' passion; she loved her job, they had talked about it on many occasions, doing anything else with her life seemed unfathomable. When their relationship developed into a romance Lena didn't have time to think about the dangers of Stef's job, she was in love, they were together and that was all that mattered. This funeral had woken a sleeping beast. Lena suddenly had to decide if she could deal with the reality of being in a relationship with a police officer and everything that came with that.

Lena looked at her phone and scrolled through her contacts; she took a deep breath put the phone to her ear and waited for it to ring.

"Selina speaking" a woman said in a heavy Latin accent

"Selina, Hi, Lena Adams speaking...Stefs Partner"

"Yes, Hi, Lena, How are you?"

"I'm well thank you, and how are you?"

"I'm doing great dear"

"I hope I haven't caught you at a bad time?" Lena said hesitantly

"No, not at all, I was just sitting down to have a cup of tea. What do I owe this lovely surprise?" the woman said with chirpiness to her voice that helped Lena relax a little.

Lena paused for a moment, taking a nervous breath before speaking "I was wandering if I could take you up on that offer to have coffee. I haven't really had the opportunity to get to know Stefs work colleagues and I would love to..." Lena trailed off without knowing exactly how to finish off that sentence.

"Off course dear, that would be absolutely lovely" Selina said not bothering to let Lena finish her sentence.

"When would be a good time for you" Selina continued.

"How does Saturday morning sound, Brandon has a birthday party and Stef will be visiting her father" Lena said sounding more at ease.

"Saturday morning is perfect, how is 10am for you, I need to drop our daughter off for dance practice and I can meet you after at Cafe Flora in town?"

"That sounds perfect, thank you so much Selina" Lena said with a smile

"Of course dear, I'm looking forward to it"

"Me too, enjoy the rest of your day"

"You too dear, see you Saturday"

Lena hung up, and for the first time since the funeral Lena felt an ease in her chest that allowed her to breathe just a little easier.

Saturday came about quickly. Lena and Stef sat having breakfast with Brandon who took most of the attention as he rattled on about how excited he was about going to his friend's birthday. Both Stef and Lena entertained their sons' ramblings, the little boy unaware of the tension that filled between his mothers. Lena and Stef hadn't spoken about the funeral since that night. While they were happy to carry on with their daily living there was an unspoken ting of uneasiness in their interaction, a hint of a conversation that they both knew they still needed to have but neither of them really knowing how to start or how to address the topic that hung in the air.

Brandon was interrupted by Stef.

"B, sweets, why don't you go to the toilet and then go get your back pack with your swimming costume and towel so we can get you off to your party."

The delighted little boy jumped up from his chair at the table and gladly ran to his bedroom.

"Remember to wash your hands when you're finished going to the toilet my baby" Stef said as the little boy exited the room

Stef winked at Lena, who returned it with a smile

"What time do you think you'll be done at your dads?" Lena said trying to get a sense of her partner's movements for the day.

"Aaahh you know, I'll probably be in and out, long enough to say hi, stock the fridge" Stef said gathering the dirty dishes from the table and placing them in the sink.

"You, what have you got planned for the morning?" Stef asked nonchalantly

"I'm meeting Selina Rodriguez for coffee at Cafe Flora in town" Lena responded anticipating a response from Stef

"Martin's wife Selina?" Stef said turning to look at her partner with a questioning look on her face

"Yes, she suggested we meet at the funeral and I thought I would take her up on her offer. I haven't really had the opportunity to meet or spend time with anyone whose part of the policing community, my only experience outside of you has been Mike and I'm not sure he should be my only point of reference. So I thought this would be a good opportunity" Lena said looking at Stef for her approval

"Well that's great love, Rodriguez is a good cop and his wife is lovely." Stef said as she leaned in to give Lena a kiss on the cheek. Stef knew all too well that officer's wives often sort each other out to build support structures and she was grateful Lena was starting to build one of her own. Being married to a cop was not easy and Stef knew this.

Brandon excitedly enounced his presence in the room and let his moms know that he was ready to get going. Both women smiled at the excited little boy. They glanced at each other and exchanged a kiss before Stef ushered the little boy to the front door.

"Have fun at the party B" Lena said to her young son

"Thanks mama, see you later"

Stef gave Lena a wink as they walked out the door.

Lena made quick work of the dishes in the sink and then headed out to meet Selina.

Lena was the first to arrive, she was early, and she opted to be seated outside. It was a beautiful day and it seemed a waste to be cooped inside the little space in the cafe. As the waitress seated Lena at a table near a rose bush, Lena opted to wait for her guest before ordering anything. Lena waited only a few minutes before Selina arrived at the restaurant and ran her eyes through the crowd. Lena stood up and gave her a wave. Selina spotted her instantly and made her way to Lena. They exchanged greetings before sitting down and both ordered a cappuccino from the waitress.

"So how have you been?" Selina started with a gentle smile.

"I've been well thanks; it is almost mid terms at our school so I have been dealing with a lot of paper work"

"So you are a teacher then?" Selina enquired

"Yes, well actually I'm the Assistant Vice Principal at Anchor Beach" Lena said

"Well that's fantastic dear; my daughter goes to Holy Cross on the other side of town"

"Holy Cross is a good school; your daughter is attending dance classes?" Lena enquired

"Yes, she's turning into quite the little dancer at 7 years old"

The two women casually got to know each other as they sat and enjoyed their coffee. They discussed Lena's passion for teaching; Selina was a stay at home mom, with a 7 year old daughter and 5 year old son. By the 2nd cup of coffee both woman had fallen into a comfortable ease with each other.

"How has Stef been since the funeral?" Selina asked.

"She's doing ok I think, she doesn't want to talk about it much though" Lena said looking down at her empty glass.

The waitress quickly came past offering another cup, but Lena opted for iced tea instead.

"Oh honey, they never do, somehow they think that if they don't talk about it, it will make it easier" Selina said with a comforting look in her eyes.

Lena looked down again, taking a deep breath and letting it out. "Stef and I have only been together for a short time, so this is all still very new to me. I've never been with someone who has a dangerous profession, so I am not really sure how to deal with all of this" Lena said softly, almost slightly embarrassed that she was admitting that.

"I don't know anyone that has ever found it easy to be in a relationship with a partner in a dangerous profession" Selina said sympathetically understanding that this was the first time Lena was faced with the realities of being in a relationship a cop.

"How long have you and Stef been together?" Selina enquired, trying to ease any fears Lena had that the police gossip mill might have turned during Stef's split from Mike.

"Just a under a year" Lena responded "I hate violence and I can't stand guns, many of my friends and family where surprised that I'm in a relationship with a cop"

"So you weren't aware that Stef was a cop when you got together?" Selina asked inquisitively

"No I did, Stef and I started out as friends, we didn't get together until after she had split from Mike, and by then Stef being a cop was not something to take into consideration. Lena said trying to clear up any rumours that may have come from Stef and Mike's split.

"I don't think anyone really ever sets out to fall in love with a police officer, it kind of just happens to all of us. Even if the uniform carries a certain amount of sex appeal" Selina said winking at Lena, trying to lighten the mood.

Lena smiled at the woman and managed to blush slightly. Stef really did look good in uniform she thought to herself.

"So what is bothering you hon?" Selina said trying to get Lena to open up

"How do you do it, how do you cope with knowing that today may be the last day your husband may come home, never knowing what danger he will face on any given day?" Lena said with heaviness in her voice silently asking for something that will put her mind but mostly her heart at ease

Selina instantly knew that Lena was looking for some comfort, something to put her fears at bay.

"Lena, I'm not going to lie to you nor am I going to try and sugar coat this...being in a relationship with a police officer is not for the faint hearted. It never gets easy. Martin and I have been together for almost 9 years and I am fearful everyday when he walks out that door that today could be the day he does not make it home and what that would mean for me and our young children, but you learn to manage. You learn to understand and trust that they are as equally committed to making it home alive and unharmed."

Selina paused and looked at Lena with sincerity in her eyes.

"Watching you and Stef at the funeral on Sunday, there is no doubt that she is deeply in love with you, your connection was palpable in the room."

Lena blushed, feeling slightly self conscious at the thought that people may have been watching her and Stef closely.

Selina continued "I have absolutely no doubt that Stef's biggest priority everyday is making it home to you and her son. You have to trust that. There are no guarantees of what might happen out there but if you make a commitment to never take your love for each other for granted, support each other, and then you will find that navigating your fears becomes a lot less difficult"

Lena sat back taking in what was being said.

"I don't know how to support to her; I know Stef shields me a lot from the dangers of her work. I think that is why I have managed to stay in denial for so long, and a part of me is grateful that she doesn't always tell me what happens because I think I will lose my mind thinking about what she must go through on a daily basis. But it also means she clams up and it pains me not to know how she is feeling or what she is going through, to be able to share that with her and provide comfort to her when she needs it most" Lena said almost choking on the last sentence, feeling guilty that she wasn't able to give her partner the support she needed.

"Here is what I can tell you, cops tend to clam up Stef is not the only one. Martin does it too, trying to get anything out of that man is like pulling blood from a stone, but this is what I have come to understand about cops. It's easier for them not to acknowledge their fears about their profession, they have to. If they went out there every day scared and fearful they won't survive the dangers they face, it would debilitate their ability to do their job. So, on some level I think that it's good they don't spend a lot of time thinking about it or talking too much about it. They know we are fearful for them, deep down they know that, which is what motivates them to be careful. But I think it is easier for them to be in ignore how we feel because if they carried that with them to work every day, they wouldn't be able to do their jobs. I think that it is important for you to find an outlet to express your fears; it doesn't have to be Stef but find someone to speak to who will understand and provide support. The force has a support group for the partners of officers, but I often find those depressing. A group of us wives generally get together, we all have children in the same age range so we are constantly arranging play dates for the kids, which provide the perfect opportunity to meet and chat. I find it soothing to know I can talk to other women who understand what I am going through; perhaps we can arrange a play date with Brandon? Lisa Wachawscky, Suzan Matthews and Jessica Williamson both have sons the same age as Brandon; it's a good group of woman. But support groups are not for everyone, so you will need to figure out and find something that will work for you. But you must know you don't have to deal with this alone."

Silence fell over the two women, Selina allowing Lena time to take in everything she had said.

After a moment Selina leaned in towards Lena and took her hand in hers "Being married to a cop is a commitment, one that comes with a heavy burden at times, you need to be prepared to not only handle but carry that burden. For your sake and for Stef, you need to be sure this is something you can live with. We can't change them; they were born to be cops, all we can do is love them."

Lena looked at the woman in front of her, grateful to have someone to talk to. The two women were interrupted by the phone ringing

"I think that's mine" Selina said "Do you mind"

"Please" Lena gestured for her to answer

"Yes sweetheart, yes David can come over for the day, only if his mom says it's OK. Alright sweetheart I'm on my way home" Selina put the phone done.

Lena smiled "I need to get home too, Stef will be done with her dad and I need to collect the dry cleaning before I head back" Lena said anticipating Selina's next comment.

Lena gestured to the waitress for the check, who wasted no time bringing it over to the two women. Lena grabbed the bill before Selina had a moment to protest. "My treat" Lena said with a smile.

Selina simply responded with a "Thank you"

The women stood from the table exchanged a hug and promised to arrange another get together.

The drive home for Lena was filled with mixed emotions, she took in all Selina had said to her in the two and half hours they had sat together in the coffee shop. She loved Stef with everything in her, she knew without a doubt that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Stef, but Stef's job scared her, and living with that fear everyday was not how Lena wanted to spend the rest of her life.

The remainder of the day was filled with running errands, picking Brandon up from is birthday party, getting home, preparing dinner and getting Brandon settled in with a movie for the night. After what was a day filled with energy, it did not take very long for Brandon to fall asleep in front of the TV. They tucked the little one in bed and decided to take advantage of the warm California evening and sit outside on the bench in their back yard with a glass of wine.

Stef was the first to break the silence.

"How was coffee with Selina"

"It was good, she's a lovely woman" Lena responded

"Care to share a little more?" Stef turned to look at Lena

"We spent most of the day just getting to know each other, she has a son almost the same age as Brandon, so I was thinking maybe we could set up a play date."

"You went all the way to the other side of town to arrange a play date for Brandon?" Stef said with a raised eyebrow.

Lena let out a slight smirk, knowing that her partner wanted more from her but unsure whether or not she was ready to hear what she was about to say "We spoke about what it was like to be married to a cop, the reality you face and the fears you have to deal with."

"And what did she have to say about it" Stef said without looking at Lena, feeling the atmosphere in the air change slightly.

"She was kind, honest, but mostly she helped me understand that being with a cop is a commitment that takes strength. She helped me realise that if I am going to make this commitment I need to be here for you, love and support you because the only thing that should be your priority is making it home to us every night." As Lena spoke she realised if she was going to do this, if she was going to commit to being in a relationship with a cop she wouldn't want to do it with anyone but Stef. Her love for Stef and Brandon was reason enough and the fear she felt towards the dangers of Stef job would not come between them and the special family they had created.

Stef understood the sentiment, she took Lena's had and kissed her knuckles before placing it over her heart. They sat in a comfortable silence, taking in the warm night breeze, feeling lucky to have found each other.

After a long silence, Stef turned and looked at Lena

"There is nothing more important to me than making sure I make it home to you and Brandon every night...I love you both more than I have ever loved anything in my life" Stef said with sincerity and a conviction in her voice that she only hopped would put Lena's fears at bay

Lena leaned into Stef and gave a tender kiss on the lips. An acknowledgement between each other that they were in this together.

The End


End file.
